Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
