as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
