2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
