she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
