my sisters under your porch take her home
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
