you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he thought i was a dude.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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