My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
