no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
