you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
