dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
