Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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