why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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