yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
