your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
