things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
