You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
