So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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