When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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