So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
