I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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