im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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