I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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