His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
