so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
