How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
