mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
