i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
