So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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