dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
