i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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