so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
