btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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