This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
