Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
