tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
