I CAN MOONWALK!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
