you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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