if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
