My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
