you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
