So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
