If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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