was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
