Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
