i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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