my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
