i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
