Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
