did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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