Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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