I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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